The Nursing Baby - Q&A

Nikia asks:

I am the mother of a 3 year old and a 7 month old. With our first we unintentionally instituted the family bed and all three of us grew attached to it. So, when we found out we were having a second child we traded in our full size bed for a king size.
However, now that my son is three I can't get him out of our bed. After much haggling to get him in his own bed every night he wakes up several times a night and eventually ends up in our bed again.
How do you wean a child from the family bed???
Please help!

My husband and I are ready to get back to a bed for two!

Hi Nikia,

First, be assured that your son's feelings are normal. Many children are frightened at sleeping by themselves through the night. At age two or so, many kids begin having dreams and nightmares which they remember, and associate with bedtime. The presence of mom and dad is very comforting.

You'll have to take my advice with a grain of salt - both my 2 and 5 year old sleep with us, and we're very happy about it!

First, your son needs several things. He needs to know that when he is afraid, a parent will comfort him everytime. And he needs to know consistency. This is one case, I believe, where he will be more reassured by being returned to his own room every time he wanders, rather than being allowed back into the family bed on an occasional basis. This gives him the message that *you* think him sleeping in his own room is safe, and that it is important for both of you.

Because he is so insecure, you may want to stay with him while he goes to sleep at first. It's a good idea to keep a blanket and pillow on the floor for you (or your husband), so you can be comfy, and in case you fall asleep!

His fears should recede as you are consistent with the routine, and as he becomes used to it. You may want to help him find a little doll or stuffed animal. Perhaps he could pick out his very own nightlight.

Discuss what nighttime is like, let him talk about his fears. If he is afraid of monsters, spray his room with "monster spray" (any body spritzer or light perfume works well) before bedtime.

There could be other issues at play here as well. Does your son miss time with either you or your husband? His nighttime needs could be related to feeling insecure in his place in the family, especially as he has inevitably lost some of your attention as you take care of the new baby. Focus on increasing his security during the day, and it should help pay off in security at nighttime.

These tips are not intended to be medical advice. Please consult your healthcare provider if you have questions.

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